When I met you in person, I was hoping that you’d be the one So that I could stop searching, and at last I would finally be done I get so tired of these “laid back” and “sarcastic” blokes Looking for someone who will laugh at their terrible jokes But still, I keep trying; I know just how much is at stake Tell me, how much longer is this going to take? We had good conversation - yeah, you seemed like you had half a brain You were going to grad school and you told me a lot about Spain You seemed to like me, yeah, you said we should hang out again But then you ghosted - yeah, I’ve heard nothing from you since then Well, I’m so embarrassed, it feels like my heart’s gonna break Tell me how much longer is this going to take? Well you know that I wonder, as I’m sitting here writing this song Just what I did that you happened to think was so wrong Was it my texting? Yeah, that’s something I really do fear Or were you disgusted by my drink made of ice cream and beer? Although I still ponder, I can’t figure out my mistake Tell me, how much longer is this going to take? BRIDGE: And I see all these women on facebook That I’m not even sure how I know And they’re all either married or pregnant And they’ve all got that sickening glow It hurts so badly, I don’t know where I can begin I find myself wondering, “Why can’t I just be more like them?” When I looked at your profile, it said that you were thirty-three But that’s not what I found when I went and looked up your CV You must have thought that I was someone who’d fall for your tricks But all the while I was well aware you’re thirty-six Well, I dodged a bullet, I see now you’re clearly a fake Tell me, how much longer is this going to take?

I hate to meditate But I do it, anyway I hate to meditate Doesn't matter what they say I hate to meditate In the morning or at night I hate to meditate Makes me want to start a fight Everybody says that you should meditate Yeah, mindfulness is all the rage If you learn to control your “monkey mind” You can free yourself from the existential cage Sit on a cushion, listen to yourself breathe Watch the thoughts just float on by It's about as exciting as golf on TV Or sitting around and watching paint dry I hate to meditate Even though I think I should I hate to meditate Everybody says it's good I hate to meditate Yeah, you know I've really tried it I hate to meditate I won't lie – I despise it I thought that the pain would be gone at last If I went ahead and took a meditation class I thought, maybe if I learn to do it properly It won't be so damn unpleasant for me When I walked in, I knew I was screwed I was sitting right across from an attractive dude No way could I focus on this boring crap When all I really want is to sit on his lap, yeah I hate to meditate Yeah, I'd rather just be lazy I hate to meditate Yeah, you know it drives me crazy I hate to meditate Yeah, you know I can't stop thinking I hate to meditate Makes me want to take up drinking I knew if he was learning how to meditate There was almost no chance he'd be single or straight I did my best to focus on breathing in But all that I could seem to think about was him The teacher said, “Focus on the feelings in your body!” I thought, are you crazy? Not around this hottie! If I did that, I'd fall out of my chair And grab big handful of his chest hair I hate to meditate 'Specially when I want some action I hate to meditate Yeah, I can't get any traction I hate to meditate But you know, I'm really trying I hate to meditate But it makes me feel like crying Some weeks he would come, and others no, It was driving me crazy, yeah, I had to know So one night we went out to a bar I was really quite excited to get that far He laughed when I told him what was on my mind Yeah, he acted like a prick the whole damn time At the end of the night, I felt so pissed I didn't even get my freakin' goodbye kiss! Well now, I sat with my feelings like they told me to I accepted what had come to pass And I gave myself compassion for my lesson learned, yeah Never date someone from meditation class I hate to meditate But I guess I'm glad I learned I hate to meditate Yeah, it helps when I've been burned I hate to meditate But I guess I'll keep it up I hate to meditate Maybe someday it won't suck (I'm not holding my breath)

Every Monday I made sure to wash my hair I even bought a brand new dress I always wore my earrings and a necklace, too Hoping you would be impressed The other women in the class made fun of me They thought that it was weird and asked me why I told them I had only just got off from work I hope they didn’t know that was a lie! Can we have sex now? Can we have sex now? I hope I don’t come on too strong… Can we have sex now? Can we have sex now? Oh please, don’t make me wait too long! I wrote to you on LinkedIn (how embarrassing!) I didn’t know what else to do I thought that it was worth the risk of looking creepy To get to spend some time with you I Googled you to make sure you were single But honestly, I couldn’t really tell I knew that there was no ring on your finger I guess I prob’ly thought that boded well Can we have sex now? Can we have sex now? Oh can’t you see how hard I’ve tried? Can we have sex now? Can we have sex now? It’s clear I don’t have any pride! I paid for my own pizza and for my own beer I didn’t even once complain And when I said candombe was from Argentina I acted suitably ashamed And then when you got angry that I Googled you I knew my face was prob’ly turning red I even gave a most sincere apology, but You looked at me and only shook your head! Can we have sex now? Can we have sex now? Although I look like I’m a fool… Can we have sex now? Can we have sex now? I swear to God I’m really cool! You said you liked my video and thought that it was rad You said that I speak Portuguese exactly like your dad You said I know the answers, and you think that I’m so wise So what’s it gonna take to have your face between my thighs? I knew that you had mentioned you were leaving soon You told me that right off the bat You also said your sister would come help you move That’s prob’ly when I smelled a rat This obviously isn’t my first rodeo I’ve fallen for that “sister” thing before I doubt that that was really who was coming, but I guess I’ll never be completely sure Can we have sex now? Can we have sex now? Before you leave and go too far... Can we have sex now? Can we have sex now? Can’t we just do it in your car? I haven’t tried to contact you in any way at all I haven’t sent an email and I haven’t tried to call I’ve made you all this music that I’ve written and produced Oh won’t you tell me, darling, what you need to be seduced? Can we have sex now? Can we have sex now? Although I know you’re far away... Can we have sex now? Can we have sex now? Are you so sure that you’re not gay? (¡olé!)

Well now, you called me a wonderful being Just as you walked out of my life Yes, you called me a wonderful being Just as you walked out of my life Well, when you called me a wonderful being Your words, they cut me like a knife I wish that you would tell me Just why it must be true That though I’m wonderful, I’m still not good enough for you Well now, what good is being wonderful If I can’t call you on the phone Yeah, what good does it do me If I’m still sleeping alone? You said you’re grateful to have met me But we’re interested in different things Yes, you’re grateful to have met me But we’re interested in different things I’m not sure what it is you’re into Or what kind of trouble it brings I wish that you would tell me Just what I have to do So I can be somebody Who’d be interesting to you Well, if you’re grateful to have met me Why have you let me go Yeah, if you’re grateful to have met me You’ve got a funny way of letting it show, baby! Well, you sent it in an email I got it while I was at work Yes, you sent it in an email (I just might have gone berserk) Yeah, ‘cuz sending it in an email Makes you look like kind of a jerk You know, I have to tell you I think it’s a disgrace Oh, why in Heaven’s name Could you not say it to my face? Well now, you think I’m a wonderful being But you don’t want to see me again Yeah, if I’m such a wonderful being, Can’t you treat me like I’m your friend? Well now, you signed your message “warmly” As though you thought that was kind Oh yes, you signed your message “warmly” As though you thought that was kind Well, if you think your words were warm, then You just might have lost your mind If I were a good Christian I know I’d wish you well But all I really want Is for your soul to burn in hell Well now, you think I’m a wonderful being But you don’t really know me Yes, ‘cuz you’re about to discover Just what a bitch I can be

You were born in the winter The fifth out of six You've always had the looks you needed To get all your kicks You were a Catholic schoolboy In a uniform You learned to play the piano And you tried to conform You met a young girl Who set your heart on fire You were blinded by lust And the heat of desire But then your momma said, “Son, you can't have her - Because her daddy is in bed with Henry Kissinger!” CHORUS: Well, you've been all around the world roaming wild and free! I'd really much rather be you than me I hope that someday I can write your biography Please, won't you tell me what it's like to be An international man of mystery? You found a job in the States You had nothing to lose You made a friend Who showed you where to hear the blues You learned to speak English like a Southern gent And the ladies creamed their panties For your accent It was the era of Clinton – the economy boomed but because you were a foreigner you knew you were doomed So you went and made the choice that you had to make And you left a trail of broken hearts in your wake CHORUS You flew across the ocean In an aeroplane You decided to stop And spend some time in Spain You grew your hair out long You got a PhD You played a lot of soccer, And you smoked lots of weed You found yourself a woman She was just your type She moved away And now she's just your friend on Skype Well, without your woman there was no reason to stay So once again, you packed your bags and you moved away CHORUS And then you found yourself Down in Mexico You were practically neighbors with Frida Kahlo You took pictures of things Much too tiny to see You did a lot of yoga and tried LSD And then you came to California Your existence was drab, You spent most of your time locked up in a lab You came out to take a class I’m sure you regret Because it was there, coincidentally, that the two of us met Well, now yoga is something that I’ve never enjoyed And I can’t smoke marijuana - I get paranoid I’ve tried to follow soccer - but I’m mostly behind, And I know if I dropped acid - I would lose my mind I know I’m just another woman that you ran into I know I’ll never really mean all that much to you But you can’t just disappear because you know it’s wrong Someday an uppity gringa bitch just might write you a song You’ve been all around the world roaming wild and free I’d really much rather be you than me I hope that someday I can write your biography Please won’t you tell me what it’s like to be An international man of mystery An international man of mystery An international man of mystery...

There was a guy named Derek and he played guitar Everybody loved him, he was quite a star He’d gotten everything that he could want in life Until he fell in love with someone else’s wife So Derek called some people and he formed a band He made a whole damn album just to win her hand It took her three long years to finally decide To leave her man and spend her life by Derek’s side CHORUS: Well, I’m pulling a Derek, and I hope you’ll see You made a big mistake when you rejected me When you hear my songs, you’ll know my love is true And maybe someday I will have a chance with you Well, I guess I might be crazy, but I’m no fool ‘Cuz Derek was a god, and I teach middle school Layla was a model, she was quite a dish While you do weird experiments on mice and fish The problem is that I’m the lady, you’re the guy You’re prob’ly watching soccer now and getting high It doesn’t matter if I pour out all my heart; You’re prob’ly only gonna scratch your balls and fart! Well, I’m pulling a Derek even though I know The chances of it working out are pretty low I’m probably going to sit around alone and brood That my life would be much better if I were a dude! BRIDGE: Well, the truth is - it didn’t work for Layla so well Yeah, Derek really made her life a living hell He drank a lot and cheated and he left her alone Until she finally had enough and left his home Well, the truth is - I’d rather not go that route Yeah, that’s really not at all what I am all about Although as a musician, people think he’s great Derek’s not someone I’d like to emulate! Well now, there was another Derek that I once knew He played the trumpet, and he was a teacher, too He told me not to worry, I would soon be blessed He said the best revenge is always my success Well, now that’s the Derek who’s advice I’d like to take And I know that when I finally get my lucky break I’m sure that you’ll decide that we were meant to be You’re prob’ly gonna crawl across the floor to me Well, I’m pulling a Derek, and I know you’ll see You’re never going to meet another one like me And when it finally happens that you hear this song, I’m sure I prob’ly won’t be waiting very long.

Well, I guess I should be grateful that I met you Even if it didn’t go my way But I’ve worked so hard at trying to forget you Yeah, I’m hurting every single day I have to sit on my hands so I won’t give in And write a message I will soon regret My friends have had enough, and they are sick of me How I wish that we had never met If I could, I’d find a way to travel back in time And save myself from starting on this endless upward climb I wanna build a time machine And this is what I’d do: I’d travel back in time and tell myself To stay away from you I’d write another ending to the story And this time, I would win I’d turn away from you in all your glory And never look back again I wouldn’t take the risk and try to talk to you Even though I knew the odds were slim I would admire from a distance and just leave it there And the ending wouldn’t be so grim I’d cast off my burden and I’d finally be free Here’s hoping that I’d have the sense to listen well to me I wanna build a time machine To travel back into the past And tell myself that you and I Were never meant to last. Well, traveling in my time machine I’d go right every wrong I could keep the Russians out of the election But that’s a different song But still I wonder, would it change the way things are today? Yeah, things might be the way they are ‘cuz there’s no other way Well, I guess I should be grateful that I met you For your special presence in my life But I’ve worked so hard at trying to forget you Yeah, it really isn’t worth the strife But even if I somehow got another chance I fear it’s just the way I am It’s possible that even if it wasn’t you It would have been some other man It may be that there’s no way to change my present plight But God, I hope that one fine day, I finally get it right I wanna build a time machine But even if I could I really doubt that using it Would do me any good I wanna build a time machine To travel back into the past And tell myself that you and I Were never meant to last. I wanna build a time machine And this is what I’d do: I’d travel back in time and tell myself To stay away from you.

I woke up on the morning of November 9th with a sick feeling of dread I knew if you had been there, we’d have had a fight So I scripted the whole thing in my head: I’d have said, Lord have mercy, we’ve been hacked The Russians finally attacked And you’d have said, “Baby, I don’t understand the fuss ‘Cuz what they did to you is what you did to us!” And so I guess that we deserve it There’s truth in what you say The School of the Americas Is running to this day We’re getting our comeuppance We’ve heard the piper play Are we the generation That was only born to pay? I think of you when I watch the news And I feel like I have to puke They say that North Korea has the capability to send a missile ‘cross the ocean with a giant nuke And I’d say Oh Lord, have mercy, keep us strong I fear they just might drop the bomb And you would say, “Well, you know, it’s no surprise to me… ‘Cuz what about Hiroshima and Nagasaki?” And so I guess that we deserve it There’s people that would say I owe my whole existence To the Enola Gay We’re getting our comeuppance We’ve heard the piper play Are we the generation That was only born to pay? Well, even if we’d argue And see things differently These hard times would be easier If you were here with me And if the worst should happen In just the way I fear Yeah, if I were to perish Would you even shed a tear? I think of you every single day even though I’d rather not And I doubt that you hardly ever think of me So I’ll leave you now with this parting thought: You might think you’re safe and virtuous And far out of harm’s way But babe, I’ve got bad news for you: There’s a Trump Tower down in Punta del Este! And so I guess we all deserve it I know I’m not alone Yeah, let the one who’s free from sin Go throw out that first stone We’re getting our comeuppance We’ve heard the piper play Are we the generation That was only born to pay?

It was very clear you were besotted from the start I prob’ly could have been more careful with your fragile heart It’s true that I was leaving, but I hardly could say no Your fawning gazes did so much for my frail male ego But if you really knew me You prob’ly wouldn’t like me I really have no doubt it would be fate For you to see I’m not that great You’re better off without me, so go along your way And pray for that poor woman who gets stuck with me someday! I know how much you’re suffering, how lonely you must feel But the man that you are missing - dear, he isn’t really real You didn’t know me long enough to know the ugly truth: I’m rude and inconsiderate and generally uncouth You’ve clearly figured out I’m rather fond of smoking pot Hey, what’s your name again? My short term memory is shot I have some strong ideas about how women should behave And though I’ve got this beard, you know I’d want for you to shave I’ll leave things on the stove and then forget and walk away I’m going to roll my eyes at you no matter what you say But mostly I’ll ignore you, and while we’re on that note My dearest one, be proper now and hand me the remote! Yes, if you really knew me You prob’ly wouldn’t like me I’m sure it wouldn’t take you long to see You’d be quite miserable with me You’re better off without me, so go along your way And pray for that poor woman who gets stuck with me someday It really wasn’t difficult to string you right along You flattered me enormously by writing me a song I might have been misleading, but give credit where it’s due For with all due respect, my dear, I never slept with you! When it comes to women, I’ve always had my pick I’ve never had a problem finding one to...well, you know I seem so sweet and sensitive, especially for a guy But honestly, it’s likely that I have an STI Yes, if you really knew me You prob’ly wouldn’t like me I know your heart is broken, and you’re sad But can’t you see I’m just a cad? You’re better off without me, so go along your way And pray for that poor woman who gets stuck with me someday!

I met a fellow once who was from Montevideo He did not stay for very long before he had to go I did not know him well, but I was totally bereft I have to say I’ve missed him ever since the day he left. I did not know a thing about the place from which he came I did obsessive research to distract me from my pain There wasn’t much in English, but I did what I could do And then I found those guide books written by that Welsh guru (chorus - lai lai ra lai) I feel a little guilty – like I'm cheating on Brazil But all the folks I know down there are really super chill They know I love their music, but I'm sure they can't ignore That Carnival in Uruguay is far superior I learned about candombe with its drums that come in three I learned that Las Llamadas is the place I ought to be Perhaps I am just awkward, or perhaps I am a rube ‘Cuz all I ever do now is watch murga on YouTube (to the tune of “Montevideo” by Tabaré Cardozo) But if I move there, I’m not really sure Just what I think I’d accomplish I’m just a gringa with poor social skills One kiss on the cheek, and I’ll be high for like a week I can’t smoke weed, and I don’t drink much beer Honestly, I’m rather boring So when people find out that I’m from the States I’m sure they’ll think I’m a Mormon! If they want to build a wall I would not blame them at all Prob’ly best to keep me out I’m kind of loco But when all I said and done I still think it would be fun Every night I’m dreaming of Montevideo (lai ra lai ra lai ra lailailailai) Well, darling, if you're hearing this, I bet that you are pissed You think that I'm a nutjob and should see a therapist You think I'm only doing this because I want you near Just like Rebecca Bunch, but in the Southern Hemisphere Well dear, you have a point – but then, I think it should be said The only thing that's helped me to remove you from my head Is learning about Uruguay, and so it must be true That I can love your country even if I can't love you… (to the tune of “Amor Profundo”) But is this healthy? That’s what I’m trying to understand I’ve got no explanation For my fascination And if I went there Would I get better or get worse Would the pain that I’m feeling At last have an ending? Well, as much as I would like to go, I think it would be best To stay here in the States and help clean up our awful mess It’s hard for me to say without collapsing into sobs, But Uruguayans do not need us stealing all their jobs But honestly, I’ll prob’ly still go down there, anyway I could just go and visit; there’s no need for me to stay Unless I wind up married, yeah, that might work out all right… There’s lots of dudes down there who like to paint their faces white...oh!... (lai lai ra lai)