I hate to meditate
But I do it, anyway
I hate to meditate
Doesn't matter what they say
I hate to meditate
In the morning or at night
I hate to meditate
Makes me want to start a fight

Everybody says that you should meditate
Yeah, mindfulness is all the rage
If you learn to control your “monkey mind”
You can free yourself from the existential cage
Sit on a cushion, listen to yourself breathe
Watch the thoughts just float on by
It's about as exciting as golf on TV
Or sitting around and watching paint dry

I hate to meditate
Even though I think I should
I hate to meditate
Everybody says it's good
I hate to meditate
Yeah, you know I've really tried it
I hate to meditate
I won't lie – I despise it

I thought that the pain would be gone at last
If I went ahead and took a meditation class
I thought, maybe if I learn to do it properly
It won't be so damn unpleasant for me
When I walked in, I knew I was screwed
I was sitting right across from an attractive dude
No way could I focus on this boring crap
When all I really want is to sit on his lap, yeah

I hate to meditate
Yeah, I'd rather just be lazy
I hate to meditate
Yeah, you know it drives me crazy
I hate to meditate
Yeah, you know I can't stop thinking
I hate to meditate
Makes me want to take up drinking

I knew if he was learning how to meditate
There was almost no chance he'd be single or straight
I did my best to focus on breathing in
But all that I could seem to think about was him
The teacher said, “Focus on the feelings in your body!”
I thought, are you crazy? Not around this hottie!
If I did that, I'd fall out of my chair
And grab big handful of his chest hair

I hate to meditate
'Specially when I want some action
I hate to meditate
Yeah, I can't get any traction
I hate to meditate
But you know, I'm really trying
I hate to meditate
But it makes me feel like crying

Some weeks he would come, and others no,
It was driving me crazy, yeah, I had to know
So one night we went out to a bar
I was really quite excited to get that far
He laughed when I told him what was on my mind
Yeah, he acted like a prick the whole damn time
At the end of the night, I felt so pissed
I didn't even get my freakin' goodbye kiss!

Well now, I sat with my feelings like they told me to
I accepted what had come to pass
And I gave myself compassion for my lesson learned, yeah
Never date someone from meditation class

I hate to meditate
But I guess I'm glad I learned
I hate to meditate
Yeah, it helps when I've been burned
I hate to meditate
But I guess I'll keep it up
I hate to meditate
Maybe someday it won't suck
(I'm not holding my breath)